This is the real reason Eli Manning isn’t cute:
Little Daddy’s Boy doesn’t want to play for a sucky team, wah wah wah, why don’t you go cry some more. First over-all picks go to bad teams. That’s how the draft works, you big whiner. Now, whatever, turns out the Chargers didn’t suck after all and the Giants did, hard-core, so that looked like a big fat miscalculation until, well, that whole Super Bowl incident.
But it’s cool. I have more evidence.
Okay, so. He’s on the President’s council for something or other blah blah nobody cares. He is therefore obligated to have his photograph taken. And Daddy tells him he needs to get a haircut. Now, despite his status and cash, he goes to a barber that employs a blind lemur with a weedwhacker. Also perhaps some orange spray paint? That is not his natural hair color.
The jacket looks like it’s too large, but that might just be the way he’s sitting. He gets a pass on the clothes, as they are otherwise unimpeachable. But that expression? Seriously? Has he not learned, being in the national spotlight first at Ole Miss and then in freaking New York City, how to smile and not look like the doofus from everyone’s high school yearbook?
But we’re not finished with the hair. Oh no. Some people had Eli come speak to them (I don’t know why either), so he shows up, somewhat more removed from his latest haircut than our flame-haired example.
Here we have a proto-mullet. Seriously? Seriously?! It’s not the nineties. He doesn’t live in the back-country. The bangs swept across the forehead really add a whole new level of panache, too. Nice suit, nice try, maybe try looking in the mirror next time, idiot.
But that’s not actually the worst it gets. I know, horror, right?
Maybe he learned that no one likes the mullet. So he’s still needing a haircut, but not wanting to offend the eyes and party like it’s 1991. Fair. Except. NOT. I believe this photograph was taken at the White House. BUY A COMB.
He’s not the whiny frontman for a lousy quasi-indie band. His brother has figured out how to manage a barber and a comb. It’s not that hard. Many dumber and poorer men have figured it out.
Also. Is he colorblind? Checked suit, striped shirt, striped tie. The suit and shirt are both blue, but different. FLAG! Illegal use of patterns. Five yard penalty, stop picking out your own clothes. You’re a clean cut country boy. Stop trying so hard.
Or is he? I couldn’t find a photo of stubbly Eli, even though the spectre of it still haunts me. But, man, is it gross. Tom Brady’s stubble may not be manly, but Eli’s is just wrong.
Razors. Barbers. Combs. Not being a huge whiner. Baby steps, honey.