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Archive for August, 2008

This is the real reason Eli Manning isn’t cute:

Yeah, look less thrilled.  I dare you.

Yeah, look less thrilled. I dare you.

Little Daddy’s Boy doesn’t want to play for a sucky team, wah wah wah, why don’t you go cry some more.  First over-all picks go to bad teams.  That’s how the draft works, you big whiner.  Now, whatever, turns out the Chargers didn’t suck after all and the Giants did, hard-core, so that looked like a big fat miscalculation until, well, that whole Super Bowl incident.

But it’s cool.  I have more evidence.

Cuter than your high school photo?

Cuter than your high school photo?

Okay, so.  He’s on the President’s council for something or other blah blah nobody cares.  He is therefore obligated to have his photograph taken.  And Daddy tells him he needs to get a haircut.  Now, despite his status and cash, he goes to a barber that employs a blind lemur with a weedwhacker.  Also perhaps some orange spray paint?  That is not his natural hair color.

The jacket looks like it’s too large, but that might just be the way he’s sitting.  He gets a pass on the clothes, as they are otherwise unimpeachable.  But that expression?  Seriously?  Has he not learned, being in the national spotlight first at Ole Miss and then in freaking New York City, how to smile and not look like the doofus from everyone’s high school yearbook?

But we’re not finished with the hair.  Oh no.  Some people had Eli come speak to them (I don’t know why either), so he shows up, somewhat more removed from his latest haircut than our flame-haired example.

That hair is cute on NO ONE.

That hair is cute on NO ONE.

Here we have a proto-mullet.  Seriously?  Seriously?!  It’s not the nineties.  He doesn’t live in the back-country.  The bangs swept across the forehead really add a whole new level of panache, too.  Nice suit, nice try, maybe try looking in the mirror next time, idiot.

But that’s not actually the worst it gets.  I know, horror, right?

NO!  No no no!

NO! No no no!

Maybe he learned that no one likes the mullet.  So he’s still needing a haircut, but not wanting to offend the eyes and party like it’s 1991.  Fair.  Except.  NOT.  I believe this photograph was taken at the White House.  BUY A COMB.

He’s not the whiny frontman for a lousy quasi-indie band.  His brother has figured out how to manage a barber and a comb.  It’s not that hard.  Many dumber and poorer men have figured it out.

Also.  Is he colorblind?  Checked suit, striped shirt, striped tie.  The suit and shirt are both blue, but different.  FLAG!  Illegal use of patterns.  Five yard penalty, stop picking out your own clothes.  You’re a clean cut country boy.  Stop trying so hard.

Or is he?  I couldn’t find a photo of stubbly Eli, even though the spectre of it still haunts me.  But, man, is it gross.  Tom Brady’s stubble may not be manly, but Eli’s is just wrong.

Razors.  Barbers.  Combs.  Not being a huge whiner.  Baby steps, honey.

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I hadn’t noticed, really, until recently. I had nothing against Eli Manning. I just generally thought of him as Peyton’s not-as-good and not-as-funny little brother. You know, mostly in the NFL as a sidekick, so commentators could say things like, “Will Eli Manning ever live up to his potential?” or “Eli Manning will never be as good as his older brother.” I just felt kind of sorry for him, since no matter how successful he is, he’ll never be as good as Peyton (which is true, even now that he’s a defending Superbowl champion).

Eli might have something on Peyton, though. Check out this picture and see if you can tell me what it is. I’ll give you a clue: it’s not the Lombardi trophy.

I’m right, right? The man is good-looking. At the very least, he’s better-looking than Peyton, who, despite everything else he’s got going for him, looks a little bit like a cartoon character, so I guess that’s not saying much.

But seriously. Just pretend for a second that Eli isn’t sort of a weenie, and that he doesn’t have the tendency to throw a complete stinkbomb a couple times a season. If you can look past that, you see a rugged-meets-cute-innocent-southern-boy kind of handsomeness. We all know he’s cute. See any commercial he’s made with Peyton. But I’m thinking there may be something more there: a genuine hotness you can sink your teeth into. Or at least like a 7.3 on a scale from 1 to genuine hotness you can sink your teeth into.

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Footballers are dorks too.

So, you may have heard of Fernando Torres, although you may not.  You have probably not heard of Sergio “Kun” Agüero.  They’re both strikers.  They used, until Mr. Torres was sold to Liverpool, both to play for Atlético Madrid.  They are also both huge dorks.  Check out the forearm tattoos.

It doesn't say "cute."

It doesn't say "cute."

And, not to be outdone,

And that one definitely doesn't.

And that one definitely doesn't.

The one on top reads “Fernando” in Elvish (or the Tengwar for you weirdos), the other one “Kun Aguero.”  Actually, I’m taking the first one on faith from the internet, but I checked on Kun.  Yeah, I did.

Did the young bloods at Atlético get drunk one night while watching Lord of the Rings and figure it was the best idea to mark themselves permanently as total dweebs?  Didn’t we make fun of people for doing that while we were in college?  Didn’t we set the line for time to contact with women at “forever?”

It’s pretty lucky for these two that they are famous and talented, and in Mr. Torres’s case super cute, because otherwise they’d be screwed.

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And you should be paying attention.  There’s going to be baseball for a whole month more, and, if you’re like me, you want to block out the next couple of weeks because the Phils are going to go play the Chicago Cubs, who have the best record in baseball, and they’re coming off a tough loss to the Mets, who currently lead the NL East.  Plus, real football hasn’t started yet.  The Jets are going to sit Brett Favre tonight, for crying out loud (Is it because they don’t want him to get injured, or because he hasn’t learned the offense?  Hmm….).

But also, this is a great time to be watching tennis.  Roger Federer is coming directly off a shock loss to James Blake in the Olympics, and more distantly off two excruciating losses to Rafael Nadal in Grand Slams.  He destroyed his first opponent in Queens.  He’s like a lion who has lost two big tennis tournaments who has retreated to lick his wounds and is now stalking around the court looking for the kill.  Incidentally, he might be the best there ever was.

And in the other corner, we have Rafael Nadal bopping around like a hyperactive bouncy ball, battering everything in his path into submission.  He didn’t quite obliterate his first opponent, but straight sets is nothing to sneeze at.  Another Federer v Nadal Slam final?  Yes, please.

Cute enough to win a Slam?

Cute enough to win a Slam?

But!  Even if only one of these men makes it, or neither does, it’ll be fantastic anyway.  There are plenty of American players to watch, if that’s your thing: Roddick, of course, and Blake and the little fish too, like, well, Fish.  Andy Murray’s a dear, and Novak Djokovic might be the next big thing if Federer or Nadal ever goes away (not likely).

The tennis is going to be great.  The weather’s not too dreadful, and there’s tons of energy and drive and grudge and talent.  It’s too soon to call, but this Open could run like a movie script.  Plus, some of the players are really cute.

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Palmer.  Dawkins.  Merriman.  Umenyiora.  Everyone on the Cleveland Browns.  The list goes on and on.  How have we seen this many preseason injuries?

Too cute for the Cowboys.

Too cute for the Cowboys.

Now, I’m not one of those nutjobs who thinks that there should be no preseason football because of the risk of injury to starters.  Preseason football is fantastic.  During the Hall of Fame Game, we witnessed perennial marvels of football mediocrity Jared Lorenzen (who is the largest man to ever play quarterback), Colt Brennan (who has a sexual assault record, and should be shunned, but it’s still funny to watch him get sacked and picked off), Clifton Dawson (who went to Harvard [sucks]), and, to a lesser extent, Jim Sorgi.  And it was both cute, and hilarious.  Plus, we get to watch former Princeton QB Jeff Terrell try out and ultimately fail to get a job.  This year, he was thankfully cut from the Cowboys, and we’ll be rooting for him to make 3rd string on a less evil team next year.

All that aside, why are all these starters getting injured in the preseason?  Starters should play one drive in preseason games.  If it’s the final preseason games, I’ll buy a full quarter.  And they had better be playing like pansies while they’re in, so as to AVOID GETTING INJURED.

Preseason doesn’t matter.  Regular season does.  Don’t get injured.

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I don’t know what it is about British tennis players, but I always want them to succeed.  Maybe it’s something about how lovable Tim Henman was, even with the whole never winning anything, but lovable losers aren’t really my type, so maybe not.  But now he has retired and we are lucky enough to be presented with a new generation of tennis players with terrible teeth.

A little bit cute.

A little bit cute.

First among these, of course, is Andy Murray.  He’s actually pretty good at tennis, which is a good start.  And looks-wise, he’s not bad, I have to give him that.  Of course he has cut his hair, so the eye-gouging horror is gone.  (No, I’m not going to post a picture of that; you can Google it yourself, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

He wears Fred Perry, but I guess he’s British and so feels obligated?  I think Mr. Henman was an Adidas man, but that does seem disloyal to Queen and country.  And the crosses of St. Andrew all over everything are a bit much, but there’s no one like the Scots for being defensive.

There’s nothing actually wrong with his looks.  He’s bony, and freckly, and there’s a soupçon of ginger, but he can’t help any of that.  It’s just…I wish he were cuter.  It would be more fun to root for him.  Plus, the tennis hopes of a nation are resting on his shoulders.  He should have a little more panache.

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Kit has already pointed out that he dumped his pregnant girlfriend, which is pretty lame.  But I heard that he’s not going to marry the new girlfriend until the kid (from the old girlfriend, right) is old enough to participate in the ceremony.  Now, this may be apocryphal, but you believe it, right?  And I believe it.  Which means that both of us (and Kit) think that Tom Brady is a big fat jerk.

What amuses me most about this phenomenon is that there was a column, on ESPN.com, that talked about how all women everywhere give Tom Brady a total pass even though they know he’s a big fat jerk.  This was a column written by a woman.  She gave Tom Brady the same Teflon coating Brett Favre used to have, except against worst things than throwing lots of interceptions.  Which is incredibly false.  I don’t know a single woman who likes Tom Brady.  Most women I know would kick him in the pants if given the option.

What a big girl.

What a big girl.

We’re supposed to like him, I think, because of photos like this.  Well, phooey on that.  He looks like a doofus.

I’m not going to deny that he has a certain kind of good looks, although I’m not on the “Tom Brady looks like Cary Grant” train.  He may have the chin, but he doesn’t have the class.

Also, having conceded that kind of good looks, I must point out that it is the type of good looks that works best when rocking the clean cut vibe.  That is to say, shaving more than once a week.  Especially when you play in Gillette Stadium.  And also, you’re fooling no one.  The scrub doesn’t make you look more manly; it just makes you look like you’re compensating.  For being a huge girl.

The shirt and jacket really just complete the poncy jackass look, for me.  He’s not European.  He plays football.  In a city on the east (or, “real”) coast.  He should wear actual clothes.  For reference, Peyton Manning wears actual clothes.  And shaves.

There’s really only one kind of photo of Tom Brady I like.  And it’s this kind.

Ha ha.

Ha ha.

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