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Archive for October, 2010

Perhaps football facemasks are hiding some doozies, and we’re too distracted by horrible tattoos in the NBA, but baseball seems to take the cake in players with hideous facial hair.  This is certainly true in the MLB in general, but some combination of topicality and their actually being worse than average has led us to focus exclusively on the Phillies and Giants.  So, without further ado, the Not The Swimsuit Issue NLCS Worst Facial Hair Awards.

First up, the “You Can’t Be Serious” award goes to Sergio Romo’s facial monstrosity, which actually manages to trump his mid-season excrescence, which seemed like an attempt to look like an Egyptian pharaoh–and ugly Egyptian pharaoh.

It's kind of in shadow. Trust us: it's for the best.

Second, the “You’re Actually Not Serious” award goes to Brian Wilson, who is actually not serious.  Really, his beard is kind of awesome.  I, for one, hope that he tears it off and reveals its fakeness after the World Series (win or lose–no jinxes).

All he needs is a false nose and cheap plastic glasses.

Finally, we present the “Worst Facial Hair…Squared” award to Jayson Werth, for going from bad to worse.  Actually, more like terrible to OH GOD GET IT OFF MY SCREEN.

It's like we photoshopped this, but we didn't.

Annnnd, here’s this:

Seriously? Actually yes. Unlike Brian Wilson.

To wrap things up, we’d like give out some honorable mentions for Worst Soul Patches.  First, Raul Ibanez for Worst Soul Patch.  There are far too many soul patches out there (read: some), but Ibanez’s is particularly bad.  Yes, he looks like a turtle and the craptacular triangular tuft adds some definition to his chin, but it’s just not worth it.

Choosing this image may be cheating.

And finally, the award for “Worst Attempt at a Soul Patch,” to Tim Lincecum, because he may be trying to grow one, and it’s also a good excuse to include him in this post.  Here’s a picture we found that might have some hair growing below the lip.

There's totally something there. Maybe.

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I’m sure it’s clear to readers of this blog (and people with souls) that no month of the year comes close to being as awesome as October.  There are some Philistines who will probably argue for April–start of baseball, end of March Madness (which seems like cheating), and the start of NBA and NHL postseasons, which will go on until August or something–but they’re, well, Philistines.  April has nothing on the combination NFL, in-conference college games, and the holy grail: postseason baseball (not to mention pumpkin muffins and apple cider, but that’s a different blog).

If I wanted to strengthen the case for October (obviously unnecessary at this point), I suppose I could add regular season opening days for hockey and basketball.  But who has time to pay attention to all of that when Big Time Timmy Jim is making completely inexplicable relief appearances in the NLCS?  We’re busy making fun of Tom Brady’s hair over here, so please, just hold your horses for a couple weeks.

Tim Lincecum: better hair than Tom Brady.

Please save any embarrassing Heat losses for after the World Series, when I have adequate time to come up with disparaging remarks about Lebron James.

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Yes, you cry more when Old Yeller bites it than when pretty much any person dies in any movie.  This is okay, because, and this is important, it is not real life.

Animal abuse is reprehensible.  Mr. Vick was a bad person and is a convicted criminal.  However.  Hurting a human being is always–always–worse than hurting an animal.  And before you get all pissy at me because Mr. Roethlisberger has not been charged with anything, nor convicted, and therefore I should assume innocent until whatever: you’re an idiot.  He is disgusting and no one with any sort of brain or morals thinks otherwise.  His suspension should have clued you in on this point.

Let me share with you an anecdote.  I was in a bar watching a game.  In this bar there was a small woman wearing a Roethlisberger jersey.  This was last week.  It boggled my mind.  Even if Mr. Roethlisberger is not a convicted rapist, he has shown a distinct pattern of horrifying and probably criminal contempt for women.  No one should wear his jersey, but empathetically (if not intellectually) it is worse on a woman.  But then this woman proceeded to make fun of Mr. Vick for his jail time.

Really?

At least he’s done his jail time.  At least he appears to be openly repentant.  Sure, maybe he’s the same scummy guy who abused dogs.  I don’t know, and neither do you.  But at least he thinks it’s worth it to seem publicly sorry.  This means he can at least recognize decency, which puts him rather ahead of Mr. Roethlisberger.

People protested against Mr. Vick when he returned to the NFL, even though he had technically paid the societal penalty for his crimes.  Maybe you don’t think it’s enough.  Well, fine.  But those were dogs.  Mr. Roethlisberger hurt human beings, and a four-game suspension from the NFL is certainly not enough.  But there’s nary a peep.  When he returned to the team he was hailed as a conquering hero, as though he had recovered from a catastrophic injury or something, instead of having served a suspension for vile behavior.

Our priorities are appalling.

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There’s just something about beating…Europe…that doesn’t really make us all that stoked.  They’re pretty much on our side, it’s golf, no commies are involved–it’s just not the sort of thing that inspires flag-waving.  Sorry.

Especially because this guy is European:

Luke Donald. Awesome.

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