We’ll get over this eventually, but I inadvertently stumbled across this picture just now, so…hooray for the San Francisco Giants, their championship, and their apparently crippling aversion to mirrors.
Yes, it’s not the kindest picture we could have found. But it will give you the correct reaction, which is an urge to call the authorities and never get within ten feet of this horrifying, home-run-hitting, hirsute monster.
Oh, and PS: Game 5 established that Mr. Lincecum is indeed trying something in the facial hair department (or forgot his dopp kit), but we’re going to have pity on you and just let it go.
So, as you may have noticed, the Philadelphia Phillies were in the NLCS for three years in a row. Twice they made it to the World Series, which they won once. This year they lost to the eventual champions. These are, by any standards, fairly good outcomes for a baseball season. When all your friends are Pirates fans, it makes you a jerk when you are disappointed that the Phillies didn’t win the pennant again.
Except: this is ridiculous. I suffered through years of Joe Carter, mediocrity, and the Braves so that I must root for the Giants in self-flagellation? I should wish the Phillies were worse so that my status as a fan is somehow more authentic?
Sure, I shouldn’t swank about going, “Hey, you know who’s great? The Philadelphia Phillies. Are the Pirates even in the majors? Your life is a pathetic wasteland.” That would make me a jerk.
But I refuse to throw away my moments in the sun, and I reserve the right to be disappointed when my teams don’t win championships, because it would be nicer if they did. And that’s why I like sports.
Yeah, lamest non-brawl ever.
I feel more like Sad Chase Utley than Hit By Pitch Chase Utley, but there is a surprising dearth of Sad Chase Utley photos. Especially because he was on my television screen all the time, and Sad Chase Utley is sad.
There were prime-time NFL games during not one but two World Series games. Incidentally, these were both good baseball games. Neither football game was that interesting. Sunday Night Football got better ratings than Game 4; Monday Night Football lagged slightly behind Game 5. This state of affairs as a whole is unsatisfactory.
First off: yes, I understand that if more people wanted to watch baseball, they would watch baseball, and the NFL would not be able to swagger around flexing its muscles all the time. Baseball is the Conan O’Brien of sports, and it is our fault that it’s on TBS.
However. This whole situation is stupid, and my train of thought goes roughly as follows:
Perhaps football facemasks are hiding some doozies, and we’re too distracted by horrible tattoos in the NBA, but baseball seems to take the cake in players with hideous facial hair. This is certainly true in the MLB in general, but some combination of topicality and their actually being worse than average has led us to focus exclusively on the Phillies and Giants. So, without further ado, the Not The Swimsuit Issue NLCS Worst Facial Hair Awards.
First up, the “You Can’t Be Serious” award goes to Sergio Romo’s facial monstrosity, which actually manages to trump his mid-season excrescence, which seemed like an attempt to look like an Egyptian pharaoh–and ugly Egyptian pharaoh.
It's kind of in shadow. Trust us: it's for the best.
Second, the “You’re Actually Not Serious” award goes to Brian Wilson, who is actually not serious. Really, his beard is kind of awesome. I, for one, hope that he tears it off and reveals its fakeness after the World Series (win or lose–no jinxes).
All he needs is a false nose and cheap plastic glasses.
Finally, we present the “Worst Facial Hair…Squared” award to Jayson Werth, for going from bad to worse. Actually, more like terrible to OH GOD GET IT OFF MY SCREEN.
It's like we photoshopped this, but we didn't.
Annnnd, here’s this:
Seriously? Actually yes. Unlike Brian Wilson.
To wrap things up, we’d like give out some honorable mentions for Worst Soul Patches. First, Raul Ibanez for Worst Soul Patch. There are far too many soul patches out there (read: some), but Ibanez’s is particularly bad. Yes, he looks like a turtle and the craptacular triangular tuft adds some definition to his chin, but it’s just not worth it.
Choosing this image may be cheating.
And finally, the award for “Worst Attempt at a Soul Patch,” to Tim Lincecum, because he may be trying to grow one, and it’s also a good excuse to include him in this post. Here’s a picture we found that might have some hair growing below the lip.
I’m sure it’s clear to readers of this blog (and people with souls) that no month of the year comes close to being as awesome as October. There are some Philistines who will probably argue for April–start of baseball, end of March Madness (which seems like cheating), and the start of NBA and NHL postseasons, which will go on until August or something–but they’re, well, Philistines. April has nothing on the combination NFL, in-conference college games, and the holy grail: postseason baseball (not to mention pumpkin muffins and apple cider, but that’s a different blog).
If I wanted to strengthen the case for October (obviously unnecessary at this point), I suppose I could add regular season opening days for hockey and basketball. But who has time to pay attention to all of that when Big Time Timmy Jim is making completely inexplicable relief appearances in the NLCS? We’re busy making fun of Tom Brady’s hair over here, so please, just hold your horses for a couple weeks.
Tim Lincecum: better hair than Tom Brady.
Please save any embarrassing Heat losses for after the World Series, when I have adequate time to come up with disparaging remarks about Lebron James.
Is that not the best day ever? You get real baseball and chocolates! By the All-Star Game, the Peeps will be edible.
If you’ve given up booze, you can knock back a few while watching the thrice-accursed New York Yankees open the season. If you haven’t, you can also do this. Baseball is not picky about your Lenten discipline. It just wants your love.
And no, Grady Sizemore is not Jesus. But he has the best name in the major leagues, he wears cute baseball socks, he’s pretty cute himself, and Cleveland gets a lot of stick around here that it only mostly deserves, so here’s one for them.
We hope this will make up for the continuing lack of cute baseball socks on the new banner.