I’m sure it’s clear to readers of this blog (and people with souls) that no month of the year comes close to being as awesome as October. There are some Philistines who will probably argue for April–start of baseball, end of March Madness (which seems like cheating), and the start of NBA and NHL postseasons, which will go on until August or something–but they’re, well, Philistines. April has nothing on the combination NFL, in-conference college games, and the holy grail: postseason baseball (not to mention pumpkin muffins and apple cider, but that’s a different blog).
If I wanted to strengthen the case for October (obviously unnecessary at this point), I suppose I could add regular season opening days for hockey and basketball. But who has time to pay attention to all of that when Big Time Timmy Jim is making completely inexplicable relief appearances in the NLCS? We’re busy making fun of Tom Brady’s hair over here, so please, just hold your horses for a couple weeks.
Tim Lincecum: better hair than Tom Brady.
Please save any embarrassing Heat losses for after the World Series, when I have adequate time to come up with disparaging remarks about Lebron James.
Listen up, people. It has come to my attention that NBA mascots are all messed up. Please note the following:
The New Orleans Hornets will henceforth be known as the New Orleans Jazz. The Utah Jazz will be known as the Utah Raptors, or Utahraptors, if you like. The Toronto Raptors will move out of Canada, because seriously? The relocated team will be known as the Bobcats. The Charlotte Bobcats, then, become the Charlotte Hornets.
Glad we cleared that up. Here’s a picture of Dwyane Wade. We’ll work on fixing that spelling at a later date.
Apparently, because Gilbert Arenas is an idiot, Nike is coming under fire (did you see what I did there?) for an ad campaign that uses a firearm reference. That is to say that Kobe Bryant’s blurb includes the line: “I don’t leave anything in the chamber.”
Yes, this is a chamber in a gun. Specifically, I have been corrected, it refers to leaving the bullet in one of the chambers of a semiautomatic weapon, ready to fire but unfired. This, obviously, is less than ideal.
That is: Kobe Bryant claims not to have any energy left over at the end of the game, because he used it all.
This is a metaphor that comes into use all the time. Sports as combat is not only widely accepted but also kind of true. But the point of sports is that they are not actual fighting. Well, except sports that are. But most sports aren’t. They’re what we do instead of fighting. Philadelphia hasn’t had to march on Washington, D.C. in a long time.
Only a moron would think that this ad campaign conveys the message “Kobe Bryant would like to shoot you.” What a pity morons are in charge.
I’m not really sure why. Maybe because they’re always good and I feel like they need to be knocked down a peg. Maybe because I have the irrational belief that Lakers fans are assholes. Maybe because Kobe Bryant is a rapist. I do hate rapists. Maybe because of Pau Gasol.
At any rate, suffice it to say that I was screaming at my television tonight as I watched the Magic blow their chance to win the game THREE TIMES in the last eleven seconds of the game. First, when Dwight Howard missed both free throws with eleven seconds to go, failing to put the Magic up by two possessions (this should really count as two). Then they somehow managed to forget that shots made from behind the pretty blue arc painted on the floor count for three instead of two, failed to guard the three, and let the Lakers tie up the game. And finally, in a shocking display of apathy, Turkoglu opted for a crappy inbound with four seconds to go, rather than taking the Magic’s one remaining timeout. Simply stunning.
This kind of thing really chaps my ass, because now I can’t even complain about the Lakers and how ugly and prone to rape they are. Instead I have to complain about how the Magic, after clawing their way to the finals through the probably superior Celtics and the definitely superior Cavs, are rolling over and dying. Boo, I say! Boo!
In other news, Dwight Howard might be cute, though I’ve been told he has the face of a little boy.
So please explain to me why basketball and hockey are still going on. It feels like both postseasons have been going on since approximately 1997. This is either a marketing or a scheduling failure. It feels odd to watch the Roland Garros final and then an early game of the NBA Finals. It feels stunningly bizarre to be watching ice hockey while there’s a cricket tournament going on in England. That is, when temperate climes are hot, ice hockey and basketball seem unnatural.
This is because they are winter sports. Basketball is an indoor sport, to be played when you cannot play outside sports. Ice hockey is a frozen sport, to be played when the lake is frozen. There are now no frozen bodies of water in any US or Canadian city that fields an ice hockey team in the NHL. Also, the season starts in September. This is madness. (Oh, yeah, and more than half the league makes the playoffs, but that is another rant for another time.)
Cute and well dressed. Nice.
When the Tour de France is less than a month away, winter sports need to be over. And, on that incredibly graceful segue, let’s talk about cycling. Specifically a cyclist. As a warm-up for our intense and profound coverage of this summer’s races, we would like to introduce some cute cyclists about whom you may not know. Here’s one of my personal favorites, Fabian Cancellara.
He’s Swiss, he’s fast, he was Olympic champion, and he has worn the maillot jaune in France for a bunch of days, if never while coming down the Champs-Elysées. Also he speaks amusingly adorable French.
He has had some trouble with injury this spring, and pulled out of the Giro d’Italia early so he could get to work on those pesky French Alps, so we’re all looking forward to a good performance on the Tour!
“Which is the best head-to-head rivalry in sports right now?”
A. Roger Federer-Rafael Nadal
B. Alexander Ovechkin-Sidney Crosby
C. Kobe Bryant-LeBron James
D. Tiger Woods-Phil Mickelson
Did I miss something? Are ice hockey and basketball not team sports? (As a note of interest, Kobe-LeBron is far out in front, then Federer-Nadal, followed closely by Ovechkin-Crosby.) Or, at least, shouldn’t they be? Do we really want to look at the NBA as a two-man show?
Even if we do, Federer-Nadal is still totally the correct answer, you idiots.
Also, wow, just looked him up, and Sidney Crosby is significantly younger than I am. So, in honor of that, we’re going to have a poll about him!
I’ve never liked it. I’d rather like to, since it’s one of those neato American sports. It was one of the sports at which I was not totally terrible as a kid. Plus, Kobe Bryant went to my high school, so that’s cool. I like wearing Chuck Taylors. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s rôle in Airplane! is great.
But I can’t stand watching basketball, live or on television. I can’t get invested in the run of play, I can’t get interested in tactics, and I am totally repulsed by the way they have to mop up the sweat from the key. Also, especially in the pros, it seems as though the players are about a quarter the length of the court, so they don’t even have to move all that much.
This is not to say that I don’t have a March Madness bracket every year. I may hate basketball, but I don’t hate America. But it’s not as though I have a visceral hatred for the pros and maintain that they only play the real game in college. I just dismiss both with a shrug.
Yes, the Sixers have been pretty lousy my whole life, and lost heart-breakingly to the Lakers in the finals while I was in high school. But that’s not it, because I still liked the Phillies and the Eagles, despite their perennial crapulence. I think it’s the sport. Also, the men aren’t all that cute.