Posts Tagged ‘football’

AND good hands? Crikey.

But whatever, it’s bowl season.  This is totally appropriate.  It is a mark of how little college football I watch that I haven’t noticed this earlier; sorry, I can only give up one day of my weekend for American football.  Maybe it should be Saturday, but right now it’s Sunday, so tough darts, Oregon Ducks and your totally hot wide receiver corps, particularly in the person of Jeff Maehl.

Also, boo to the Oregon football website for having a totally misleading and unattractive photo on their roster page; a friend suggested that “cute Oregon player” would be Jeff Maehl, and I said “ew, no” and spent another fruitless half hour trawling through roster pages, because in fact I wasn’t sure if this guy was an Oregon player at all, maybe Stanford, and maybe someone from the Rose Bowl teams this year, but maybe also OSU from last year…  These are the perils of watching SportsCenter out of the corner of your eye with the sound off.  You will waste everyone’s time.  But at least we found him eventually!  And he is super cute.


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You know who’s not a rapist?  Almost everyone in the NFL.  For example, second-string right guard for the Jacksonville Jaguars, Justin Smiley:

Possibly not eye candy.

Congratulations, Justin Smiley.  You are more awesome than Ben Roethlisberger.  Keep up the good work!

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The NFL has a PEDs problem.

And they’re doing nothing about it.

Say what you will about Bud Selig.  He’s thinking about ruining the postseason, and he’s kind of a weenie, and perhaps most damningly, he was commissioner in 1994 (we don’t like to talk about what happened that year).  He also presided over the steroids era.  But–and this is a big deal–he also cracked down on steroids.  I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of PEDs in baseball, and perhaps we never will, but at least the sport is clearly making an effort to keep its players off drugs, and if this year’s mini dead-ball era is any indication, it is at least partially succeeding.

Those forehead bulges are not natural.

How do we reward baseball for taking steps to solve its PED problem? We watch football, because it has real players, not just a bunch of money-grubbing jacked-up cheaters…right?  Believe me when I say that the last thing I want to hear about is how my favorite football players drugged their way up to 300 pounds, or how they felt they couldn’t compete without the edge that drugs provide, or how everyone was doing it and they didn’t think it was a big deal.  But I don’t have to hear about it to know that it’s true.  I just have to watch Clay Matthews celebrating a sack.

I LOVE linebackers! But they are on roids.

I’ve said this before in the context of cycling, but I’ll say it again here.  The number of positive tests results for PEDs in a sport is not an accurate measure of its drug problem.  If the NFL isn’t catching its players using drugs as often as the MLB is, it’s because it isn’t testing them as frequently.

So don’t be uppity, NFL. Your players’ knees should be able to support their weight. They shouldn’t be getting weird muscle tears and injuring ligaments we’ve never heard of. And don’t even get me started on concussions.

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There were prime-time NFL games during not one but two World Series games.  Incidentally, these were both good baseball games.  Neither football game was that interesting.  Sunday Night Football got better ratings than Game 4; Monday Night Football lagged slightly behind Game 5.  This state of affairs as a whole is unsatisfactory.

First off: yes, I understand that if more people wanted to watch baseball, they would watch baseball, and the NFL would not be able to swagger around flexing its muscles all the time.  Baseball is the Conan O’Brien of sports, and it is our fault that it’s on TBS.

However.  This whole situation is stupid, and my train of thought goes roughly as follows:


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I’m sure it’s clear to readers of this blog (and people with souls) that no month of the year comes close to being as awesome as October.  There are some Philistines who will probably argue for April–start of baseball, end of March Madness (which seems like cheating), and the start of NBA and NHL postseasons, which will go on until August or something–but they’re, well, Philistines.  April has nothing on the combination NFL, in-conference college games, and the holy grail: postseason baseball (not to mention pumpkin muffins and apple cider, but that’s a different blog).

If I wanted to strengthen the case for October (obviously unnecessary at this point), I suppose I could add regular season opening days for hockey and basketball.  But who has time to pay attention to all of that when Big Time Timmy Jim is making completely inexplicable relief appearances in the NLCS?  We’re busy making fun of Tom Brady’s hair over here, so please, just hold your horses for a couple weeks.

Tim Lincecum: better hair than Tom Brady.

Please save any embarrassing Heat losses for after the World Series, when I have adequate time to come up with disparaging remarks about Lebron James.

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Yes, you cry more when Old Yeller bites it than when pretty much any person dies in any movie.  This is okay, because, and this is important, it is not real life.

Animal abuse is reprehensible.  Mr. Vick was a bad person and is a convicted criminal.  However.  Hurting a human being is always–always–worse than hurting an animal.  And before you get all pissy at me because Mr. Roethlisberger has not been charged with anything, nor convicted, and therefore I should assume innocent until whatever: you’re an idiot.  He is disgusting and no one with any sort of brain or morals thinks otherwise.  His suspension should have clued you in on this point.

Let me share with you an anecdote.  I was in a bar watching a game.  In this bar there was a small woman wearing a Roethlisberger jersey.  This was last week.  It boggled my mind.  Even if Mr. Roethlisberger is not a convicted rapist, he has shown a distinct pattern of horrifying and probably criminal contempt for women.  No one should wear his jersey, but empathetically (if not intellectually) it is worse on a woman.  But then this woman proceeded to make fun of Mr. Vick for his jail time.


At least he’s done his jail time.  At least he appears to be openly repentant.  Sure, maybe he’s the same scummy guy who abused dogs.  I don’t know, and neither do you.  But at least he thinks it’s worth it to seem publicly sorry.  This means he can at least recognize decency, which puts him rather ahead of Mr. Roethlisberger.

People protested against Mr. Vick when he returned to the NFL, even though he had technically paid the societal penalty for his crimes.  Maybe you don’t think it’s enough.  Well, fine.  But those were dogs.  Mr. Roethlisberger hurt human beings, and a four-game suspension from the NFL is certainly not enough.  But there’s nary a peep.  When he returned to the team he was hailed as a conquering hero, as though he had recovered from a catastrophic injury or something, instead of having served a suspension for vile behavior.

Our priorities are appalling.

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Apparently he wants a shorter ban.

I recommend not being a scuzbucket, sir.  Usually works.  You don’t do something scuzzy and probably illegal, you don’t get suspended.  Not assaulting someone for a couple of months on the trot is not grounds for leniency.

It’s not often I agree with Terry Bradshaw, but he’s right in this case.  Mr. Roethlisberger’s behavior was completely inexcusable, and backing off on the punishment will imply to future NFL scuzbuckets that such behavior will lack retribution.  They already get away with a lot; we shouldn’t encourage them.

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