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Posts Tagged ‘not awesome’

I read this piece but couldn’t bring myself to watch the video interview because the teaser still is way too tragic.  (If you forget, he is the infant Pakistani bowler implicated in the spot-fixing kerfuffle in England this past summer.)  The upshot is: his career is destroyed, and he’s pretty much just an unfortunate kid who may lack moral fiber but is probably merely young.  I don’t blame the ICC, and I do not exonerate Mr. Amir (if he is indeed guilty), but he is a victim of a broken sporting culture, and that must be addressed sooner rather than later or the sport will die.  He should not be treated specially because he is a particularly fine bowler, but he should serve as a wake-up call to cricket (and, if we’re being honest, also general sporting) authorities.

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You know who’s not a rapist?  Almost everyone in the NFL.  For example, second-string right guard for the Jacksonville Jaguars, Justin Smiley:

Possibly not eye candy.

Congratulations, Justin Smiley.  You are more awesome than Ben Roethlisberger.  Keep up the good work!

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The NFL has a PEDs problem.

And they’re doing nothing about it.

Say what you will about Bud Selig.  He’s thinking about ruining the postseason, and he’s kind of a weenie, and perhaps most damningly, he was commissioner in 1994 (we don’t like to talk about what happened that year).  He also presided over the steroids era.  But–and this is a big deal–he also cracked down on steroids.  I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of PEDs in baseball, and perhaps we never will, but at least the sport is clearly making an effort to keep its players off drugs, and if this year’s mini dead-ball era is any indication, it is at least partially succeeding.

Those forehead bulges are not natural.

How do we reward baseball for taking steps to solve its PED problem? We watch football, because it has real players, not just a bunch of money-grubbing jacked-up cheaters…right?  Believe me when I say that the last thing I want to hear about is how my favorite football players drugged their way up to 300 pounds, or how they felt they couldn’t compete without the edge that drugs provide, or how everyone was doing it and they didn’t think it was a big deal.  But I don’t have to hear about it to know that it’s true.  I just have to watch Clay Matthews celebrating a sack.

I LOVE linebackers! But they are on roids.

I’ve said this before in the context of cycling, but I’ll say it again here.  The number of positive tests results for PEDs in a sport is not an accurate measure of its drug problem.  If the NFL isn’t catching its players using drugs as often as the MLB is, it’s because it isn’t testing them as frequently.

So don’t be uppity, NFL. Your players’ knees should be able to support their weight. They shouldn’t be getting weird muscle tears and injuring ligaments we’ve never heard of. And don’t even get me started on concussions.

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This is insane.

It is also not at all frivolous.  Here’s a piece on the Pakistani cricketer who is seeking asylum in the UK because he received death threats for refusing to throw matches.

Boggles the mind, puts things in perspective, yadda yadda yadda…  Mostly: crazy and terrible.

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Perhaps football facemasks are hiding some doozies, and we’re too distracted by horrible tattoos in the NBA, but baseball seems to take the cake in players with hideous facial hair.  This is certainly true in the MLB in general, but some combination of topicality and their actually being worse than average has led us to focus exclusively on the Phillies and Giants.  So, without further ado, the Not The Swimsuit Issue NLCS Worst Facial Hair Awards.

First up, the “You Can’t Be Serious” award goes to Sergio Romo’s facial monstrosity, which actually manages to trump his mid-season excrescence, which seemed like an attempt to look like an Egyptian pharaoh–and ugly Egyptian pharaoh.

It's kind of in shadow. Trust us: it's for the best.

Second, the “You’re Actually Not Serious” award goes to Brian Wilson, who is actually not serious.  Really, his beard is kind of awesome.  I, for one, hope that he tears it off and reveals its fakeness after the World Series (win or lose–no jinxes).

All he needs is a false nose and cheap plastic glasses.

Finally, we present the “Worst Facial Hair…Squared” award to Jayson Werth, for going from bad to worse.  Actually, more like terrible to OH GOD GET IT OFF MY SCREEN.

It's like we photoshopped this, but we didn't.

Annnnd, here’s this:

Seriously? Actually yes. Unlike Brian Wilson.

To wrap things up, we’d like give out some honorable mentions for Worst Soul Patches.  First, Raul Ibanez for Worst Soul Patch.  There are far too many soul patches out there (read: some), but Ibanez’s is particularly bad.  Yes, he looks like a turtle and the craptacular triangular tuft adds some definition to his chin, but it’s just not worth it.

Choosing this image may be cheating.

And finally, the award for “Worst Attempt at a Soul Patch,” to Tim Lincecum, because he may be trying to grow one, and it’s also a good excuse to include him in this post.  Here’s a picture we found that might have some hair growing below the lip.

There's totally something there. Maybe.

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Yes, you cry more when Old Yeller bites it than when pretty much any person dies in any movie.  This is okay, because, and this is important, it is not real life.

Animal abuse is reprehensible.  Mr. Vick was a bad person and is a convicted criminal.  However.  Hurting a human being is always–always–worse than hurting an animal.  And before you get all pissy at me because Mr. Roethlisberger has not been charged with anything, nor convicted, and therefore I should assume innocent until whatever: you’re an idiot.  He is disgusting and no one with any sort of brain or morals thinks otherwise.  His suspension should have clued you in on this point.

Let me share with you an anecdote.  I was in a bar watching a game.  In this bar there was a small woman wearing a Roethlisberger jersey.  This was last week.  It boggled my mind.  Even if Mr. Roethlisberger is not a convicted rapist, he has shown a distinct pattern of horrifying and probably criminal contempt for women.  No one should wear his jersey, but empathetically (if not intellectually) it is worse on a woman.  But then this woman proceeded to make fun of Mr. Vick for his jail time.

Really?

At least he’s done his jail time.  At least he appears to be openly repentant.  Sure, maybe he’s the same scummy guy who abused dogs.  I don’t know, and neither do you.  But at least he thinks it’s worth it to seem publicly sorry.  This means he can at least recognize decency, which puts him rather ahead of Mr. Roethlisberger.

People protested against Mr. Vick when he returned to the NFL, even though he had technically paid the societal penalty for his crimes.  Maybe you don’t think it’s enough.  Well, fine.  But those were dogs.  Mr. Roethlisberger hurt human beings, and a four-game suspension from the NFL is certainly not enough.  But there’s nary a peep.  When he returned to the team he was hailed as a conquering hero, as though he had recovered from a catastrophic injury or something, instead of having served a suspension for vile behavior.

Our priorities are appalling.

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The thing that makes me the most upset about the Pakistani cricket corruption kerfuffle (apart from how it landed cricket in the real news for the worst possible reason) is that Mohammad Amir is basically screwed.

Let’s say he did cheat, and is found guilty.  Well, then he faces at least a substantial if not permanent ban.  Which he should.  And a substantial ban may turn into a permanent ban, because taking two or so years off at the beginning of your Test career is often not strategic.  This is a shame, because he appeared to be an electrifying young bowler, and we always need more of those.  The best argument for Test (or: proper) cricket is bowling that excites.

Let’s say he didn’t cheat, or is found innocent.  He will still have a cloud hanging over his head.  This is unfair, I’m not saying it’s not.  But it’s the way it is.

Look, the kid is young, and not nearly as much to be blamed, if he is guilty, as his older teammates.  Yes, he should have known it was wrong.  In fact, I’m sure he does know it’s wrong.  But he’s not in a position to stand up for himself.  Should and could are not the same thing.

Plus, I’m pretty sure he’s adorable.

Even if he does need a haircut. And is twelve.

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