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Posts Tagged ‘possible eye candy’

Perhaps football facemasks are hiding some doozies, and we’re too distracted by horrible tattoos in the NBA, but baseball seems to take the cake in players with hideous facial hair.  This is certainly true in the MLB in general, but some combination of topicality and their actually being worse than average has led us to focus exclusively on the Phillies and Giants.  So, without further ado, the Not The Swimsuit Issue NLCS Worst Facial Hair Awards.

First up, the “You Can’t Be Serious” award goes to Sergio Romo’s facial monstrosity, which actually manages to trump his mid-season excrescence, which seemed like an attempt to look like an Egyptian pharaoh–and ugly Egyptian pharaoh.

It's kind of in shadow. Trust us: it's for the best.

Second, the “You’re Actually Not Serious” award goes to Brian Wilson, who is actually not serious.  Really, his beard is kind of awesome.  I, for one, hope that he tears it off and reveals its fakeness after the World Series (win or lose–no jinxes).

All he needs is a false nose and cheap plastic glasses.

Finally, we present the “Worst Facial Hair…Squared” award to Jayson Werth, for going from bad to worse.  Actually, more like terrible to OH GOD GET IT OFF MY SCREEN.

It's like we photoshopped this, but we didn't.

Annnnd, here’s this:

Seriously? Actually yes. Unlike Brian Wilson.

To wrap things up, we’d like give out some honorable mentions for Worst Soul Patches.  First, Raul Ibanez for Worst Soul Patch.  There are far too many soul patches out there (read: some), but Ibanez’s is particularly bad.  Yes, he looks like a turtle and the craptacular triangular tuft adds some definition to his chin, but it’s just not worth it.

Choosing this image may be cheating.

And finally, the award for “Worst Attempt at a Soul Patch,” to Tim Lincecum, because he may be trying to grow one, and it’s also a good excuse to include him in this post.  Here’s a picture we found that might have some hair growing below the lip.

There's totally something there. Maybe.

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There’s just something about beating…Europe…that doesn’t really make us all that stoked.  They’re pretty much on our side, it’s golf, no commies are involved–it’s just not the sort of thing that inspires flag-waving.  Sorry.

Especially because this guy is European:

Luke Donald. Awesome.

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So, sometime last year Kit and I were going to do a Cole Hamels point/counter-point on the question of whether he would be as cute if he were terrible at baseball, or even just less good at baseball.  I said yes; Kit said no.

So then 2009 happened, and Mr. Hamels was on my fantasy baseball team, and let me tell you, there is nothing better than poor fantasy production for making you think someone is heinous.  And yet I am not a total ingrate, and I can remember, say, 2008.  I am also really good at making excuses for players I like, as you may have noticed.  I can tell myself that Cole Hamels loses games because he gets no run support, even when his ERA is approximately 4,732.  It’s a useful skill.

My point is, basically, that I am now sort of ambivalent on the point of Mr. Hamels’s cuteness, and I don’t think Kit cares anymore, so a point/counter-point would be superfluous.  I will merely present the evidence.

Nonchalant is cute, right?

Nonchalant is cute, right?

Lanky, sure, and those shoes are a little smooth, but he didn’t pick them himself and at least we’re pretty sure he’s not on steroids, so…you win some….

Is angry cute?

Is angry cute?

This is a main complaint of mine: the man needs a haircut.  I’m sure he thinks it’ll make him look old, or square, or something, since he’s about twelve, but what it will actually do is make him look like a civilized human being.  Many ball players do not have this option, because they look like Randy Johnson, so Mr. Hamels should take advantage of his good fortune.

Freezing is definitely cute.

Freezing is definitely cute.

This, for me, is the money shot.  Which I suppose goes to show that this blog is sometimes less shallow than it seems.  Epic.

So there you go.  He’s pretty cute, and he was definitely really good at baseball at one point in his life, which is better than most of us can say, and I am sick and tired of Clayton Kershaw’s putative beard producing all the traffic for this site.

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As I’m sure you all know, England triumphed over Australia today at Lord’s for the first time since 1934 in an epic and glorious match in which Freddie Flintoff was cosmically effective.  And I’m not really making any of that up or editorializing much.

Without the stress, then, of watching England blow it, as usual, I was free to consider other, possibly more pleasant, things, like whether Alistair Cook is cute.

Exhibit A:

The best part is the other fielders' body language.

The best part is the other fielders' body language.

So that’s pretty much the case against Alistair Cook in a nutshell.  Failed attempts at fielding and an enormous jaw.  I feel kind of bad for posting it, actually, because in fairness he did catch three in the first innings and they weren’t all sitters or anything.  Also, he looks ridiculous.

Exhibit B:

At least here he doesn't need a haircut.

At least here he doesn't need a haircut.

Pretty cute, right?  And his eyelashes are less girly than usual (I think it was Tom Fordyce on the BBC text commentary who called him “doe-eyed,” and he’s not wrong).  And the face makes the jaw less obvious.

Exhibit C:

Poor Matt Prior.

Poor Matt Prior.

Um, I’m pretty sure he looks smokin’ there, and I don’t think it’s just because he’s next to Matt Prior.  Tall, dark, handsome, not dropping anything.  Sharp.

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I realize this does not surprise you, particularly.  Probably because you have never in your life considered the question.  But I, in attempts to preserve the journalistic integrity and interest of this august publication, and not just post more photographs of Stuart Broad, was attempting to find you some good-looking Australian cricketers.

Yeah, and it took me a while to find a photo this good.

Yeah, and it took me a while to find a photo this good.

This is the best they can do.  This is Mitchell Johnson.  He bowls.  He’s pretty good at it, too, and left-handed, which is always, of course, exciting.

I know what you’re thinking.  They’re Australian!  They’re all sun-tanned and laid back and probably blond and genial.  Well, false.  Ricky Ponting looks like a smurf.  Shaun Marsh might be cute but the rest are pretty much a wash-out.

So basically, if the Ashes were distributed on the basis of team cuteness, even Alistair Cook (who might not even be cute!) could carry off the palm single-handedly.

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Really there are a few things I’m not sure about.  I’m not sure Clayton Kershaw can pitch.  I’m not sure the name “Clayton Kershaw” doesn’t sound like a farmer.  I’m not sure Clayton Kershaw is cute.

I'm not sure Clayton Kershaw is over fourteen years old.

I'm not sure Clayton Kershaw is over fourteen years old.

But now he’s growing some kind of facial thing.  In some pictures, it looks like a chin strap, and that’s just not okay, unless maybe you’re David Ortiz.  In others, it just looks like a fuzzy mess.  But watching the Dodgers game last night (in which he shut out the Angels), from certain angles, it might be good.  Possibly makes him look older?  Better?  Hotter?  I’m just not sure.

The sun's in his eyes.

Kind of funny-looking...

See, it could be the scruff.  But maybe the scruff is good, and he just looks funny because the sun’s in his eyes.  Or maybe he just looks funny because he’s funny-looking.  Jury’s still out.

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I’m not really sure why.  Maybe because they’re always good and I feel like they need to be knocked down a peg.  Maybe because I have the irrational belief that Lakers fans are assholes.  Maybe because Kobe Bryant is a rapist.  I do hate rapists.  Maybe because of Pau Gasol.

Hideous.

Hideous.

At any rate, suffice it to say that I was screaming at my television tonight as I watched the Magic blow their chance to win the game THREE TIMES in the last eleven seconds of the game.  First, when Dwight Howard missed both free throws with eleven seconds to go, failing to put the Magic up by two possessions (this should really count as two).  Then they somehow managed to forget that shots made from behind the pretty blue arc painted on the floor count for three instead of two, failed to guard the three, and let the Lakers tie up the game.  And finally, in a shocking display of apathy, Turkoglu opted for a crappy inbound with four seconds to go, rather than taking the Magic’s one remaining timeout.  Simply stunning.

This kind of thing really chaps my ass, because now I can’t even complain about the Lakers and how ugly and prone to rape they are.  Instead I have to complain about how the Magic, after clawing their way to the finals through the probably superior Celtics and the definitely superior Cavs, are rolling over and dying.  Boo, I say!  Boo!

In other news, Dwight Howard might be cute, though I’ve been told he has the face of a little boy.

Welcome to the gun show.

Welcome to the gun show.

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